Non-Attachment

“Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering.”

- Siddhartha Gautama

Non-attachment is harder than it sounds. Especially when it comes to my baby. Of course I think that he is a genius and will grow up to be the most handsome Nobel Prize winner ever! I will do everything in my power to encourage my little boy to learn a lot and be happy. This is normal. Sometimes, though, life throws you curve balls - to use an appropriate cliché. When my mom had a stroke when I was 15 I learned to be a paranoid freak. I learned that at any given moment anyone in the world can be taken away from you or be permanently disabled. As you can imagine, I struggle with the fear of losing just about everyone. I love Devin so much and I do not ever want to inhibit his existence…I don’t want to turn into an overprotective mom who doesn’t let him do anything. I also don’t want to set ridiculous expectations based on my own dreams. I need to nip this attachment thing in the bud fast.

Certainly I am attached to my son, as it should be. The idea that I am struggling with is attachment to the outcome- the way his life will be. I have to constantly remind myself of that. This isn’t just a new version of my old paranoia but more like an acceptance. I need to know that – God forbid- if Devin had an accident and received brain damage, paralysis or even death that it is ok. I don’t mean “it’s ok” in the traditional sense- of course it would be terrible! I mean “it’s ok” in the larger scheme of things. I mean that if Devin needed me to care for him forever because of sudden physical or mental disability I wouldn’t be so devastated that I was rendered completely useless to him. Also, if he were to die, I need to remember that whatever his life becomes- that is what it is supposed to be. I know this sounds morbid and a bit strange- but if you don’t prepare a mental framework sudden change can overwhelm common sense.

Non-attachment eases suffering not because you don’t care what happens- it eases suffering because you have a kind of radical acceptance of change. I respect that and appreciate it immensely. I’ll keep working on it. I figure that if I start now Devin “might” be allowed to drive by the time he’s 25.